How I´m Rebuilding My Creative Life & Finding More Meaning
A Quiet Ending
Have you ever experienced an ego death?
I have – and for me, it usually begins with a slow, creeping exhaustion.
Not the kind you fix with sleep or food. But the kind that makes even rest feel heavy.
And then one day, I give up.
Not in a dramatic, crashing way. Just quietly, like something inside me lets go.
It feels like falling backward in a dream.
With a voice in my head saying:
“If you let go now, you’ll never make it back. All your hard work will be gone. Forever.”
But after the letting go…
comes relief.
Like someone lifted a heavy coat off my shoulders — one I didn’t even know I was wearing.
That’s what the past few weeks have felt like for me.
And oddly enough, it all started while I was playing around with my guitar.
What Broke My Creative Flow
I was sitting in my home studio, recording a song. It made me laugh.
I don’t know why — It had a playful, childish vibe.
But in the middle of it, I notice my nind going:
“I can’t spend time on this. I’m over 30 and haven’t had my real breakthrough yet.”
I felt my pulse rise. Tension building in my chest.
My nervous system begging for an escape from this “meaningless play” into something more… productive!
Because that’s what I´ve constantly been focusing on for the past decade. By asking myself:
- How can I be more successful?
- How can I be more productive?
But lately, I’ve come to believe both questions are just versions of a deeper one:
How can I become more lovable?
Ive kept telling myself:
If I create better music…
If my thoughts sound smarter…
If I win more awards…
Then people will want to be around me.
And being admired means being loved.
But here’s the truth:
If there’s no love in what we are doing. There’s little chance that continuing to do so will make us more lovable. Or happy.
Most likely it will have the opposite effect. By making us tense and agitated.
Productivity can lead to short-term success — Because you increase your output. But it leaves you too drained to enjoy it.
It also has many side affects on the work itself.
It erodes your concentration.
It makes your attention shallow.
It prevents deep, meaningful, high-quality work.
And therefore pushes you further away from the success you are chasing.
What “Rebuilding” Means to Me Now
So now I´m rebuilding my approach, my creative process.
To rebuild my creative life means making it meaningful.
And I define meaningful work as:
Work that leaves a quiet echo inside me after it’s done — not applause, but stillness. Like I’ve told the truth, even if no one heard it.
In my creative practice, I’m not chasing joy.
Joy is fleeting.
But meaning… meaning is what brings long-lasting satisfaction.
Writing this post doesn’t make me laugh.
But I’m articulating something important to me.
It feels challenging — and good — at the same time.
What I’m Letting Go Of
I’m no longer acting based on outcomes.
I create even when I don’t know the potential ROI.
I no longer write about topics just because I see a possible brand deal on the horizon.
I stopped emailing directors whose work I don’t admire — just to get auditions.
What I’m Embracing Instead
I treat my writing like a ritual — a way to connect with myself first.
I embrace slow creativity. I let myself feel bored.
If the project doesn’t move forward today, that’s okay.
I listen to the rain on the sides of my balcony.
I drink more tea. Less coffee.
I accept that not everyone will like me — and that some won’t want to work with me.
That’s fine.
My journals make less sense lately.
And that’s okay too.
I do things I’m bad at — like making the illustration above — just because I’m curious.
If You’re Feeling the Same
If you’ve ever felt a pull to slow down — to give yourself more space — maybe it’s time to listen.
Restoring your creative life into something that feels truly yours will bring more joy than any prize or popularity ever could.
And the best part of reconnecting with your creative soul?
It makes your work more powerful.
More unique.
More you.
Thank you for reading.
